As an American Christian, I have devoted my life to hectoring my Invisible Savior with requests for lots of cool stuff. It’s a time-consuming hobby I call “prayer.” I lob assertive hints into passing cloud formations for better promotions, bigger cars, smaller hips, higher canasta scores and more luxurious luxury. This is all necessary because my Savior is infuriatingly forgetful and will otherwise squander attention on the much more easily satisfied so-called “needy.” When not asking for things from Jesus, I tirelessly devote myself to wringing every last dollar out of His name that is humanly possible without risking my tax-free status, appearing without undergarments on YouTube or becoming a Catholic.

I am the founder of B.I.T.C.H. (Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers), which is a bit like Concerned Women for America, only slightly less concerned and with better shoes. I also oversee America’s most successful Ex-Gay ministry (almost 2 saved souls out of over 150,000 dues-paying members — praise!) called B.A.S.H.: Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals. Be a man, girl!
You will visit my official, glorious website here.

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